hujan

hujan saja d sandakan ne..sugguh make me restless.semlm on call dengan hujan dan guruh nya.nasib lah partner on call bgs2 saja..went out for dinner.mo dont care where i sleep..coz sesungguhnya saya takut lah mau tidur d nicu mo on call room.lagi2 hujan ne..saya mengalami " hujan phobia" apa tah lagi " thunder" dui nya..it can make me stay awake other thn zzz.gila.confrm aku gila if cuaca mcm ne jer memangjang.sampa thap banjir sudah ne sandakan.semlm bgn 4.30 utk standy peads call pun emm pas tu ndak dpt tidur berjln2 p tengok keadaan banjir hasil tijauan dari tingkat 6 peads...thn sambung tido jap..bgn jam 6.thn few mints later again get call for ot peads stand by.ok thnx ppl for calling me up..at least tido dari jam 11pm..emm and thank god no one required admission frm my hand ~ya ya..
td mau balik rumah pun susah..kena patah balik p alternative road..yg mana almost everywhr sudah jam nw..jln alternative tu pun mau retak2 sudah..andui nya sandkan..mcm mana bah ne..
hujan lah d tempat lain lagi..

begin to hates to be at home

i hates working hour..i hates to be on call..i hates everytime im at home after working..i just cant bare with all ths situation.kinda tired.tired i cant appreciate things..its so hurting when u are actually counting on urself to change things.i dunt want to have bipolar personality.i wanna be come like other ppl..who happy and having normal life.if i have and option to specifically to make tht person understand and feel wat im true even its gonna cost half of my life i would do it.
im so sorry to write ths such stupid boring entry but i jst cant hlp my self.this is the only way to express it out,as i knw nt much ppl reading my bloody blog.i m helpless ..so helpless so so so so helpless.im sick of it..if can cry 24h and let it go for ever...why all bad thgs alwz happen when im having big thgs to do..

bermimpi kah aku?

bila selalu sgt rasa dlm mimpi..bila selalu sgt rasa tidak pasti dlm idup..hampir 8jam sehari..menjadikan otak saya semakin kurang active.adakah degeneration akan berlaku?apa kah akan terjadi..hampir tidak tahu apa yg di inginkan ..semakin tidak kelihatan..confusion gone but more into blury vision..gampang ini! :) bila org ckp mencari kebahagian..kebahagian bagai mana kah?jika org ckp pasal demand..wah how lah mau demand if supply pun tiada..oh stock bukan lah mau hbs sudah..cuma mcm more into tidak ada selera lah org bilang..skrg rasa rasa manis2 masam lah..tidak tahu lah apa yg sebenarnya lagi penting dlm idup ne..aiseehh betul kata sesetengah org tu..sudah jadi semakin bodoh bila bnyk pulak pikir benda lain~~
semlam semasa on call juga lah perasaan takut udah ilang bila memikirkan bertapa bestnya tidur itu..lagi2 bila kita tak tahu apa akan jd 5 mints dari sekarang ..mungkin saja phone akan berbunyi..mungkin juga ada mcm2 akn jd!!aku benci pada mu hp~~ :)

tiada apa yg pasti selain dari pagi2 bngn p kerja ~~ uwekk!!

routine

my routine is really killing me~~i begin to wonder and counting days for my Houseman ship to end while in reality it just my first posting out of 6. i brain begin to dysfunction for working 7 days a week.not because of overloading in using my brain or neuron but more causes by hypoxic @ early waking up every morning and tension every time mate up with "international "patient with beyond of my language barrier or somtimes due to their advance fck history taking..oh i feed up!!stress begin when ever i think of CME. ayoo..begin to stress up when i know tht tomorrow i'll oncall and covering neonates.gosh..please give more strength for tomorrow. my headache and my urti is still there~~

i wonder and so jelous for those who working free lance or doing their own bussiness ..or who ever working but yet still able to settle their other things outside without have to feel stress or pressure when ever out from working  compound. i cant wait for my holiday ~~i need a long break..

futsal spree..

i love futsal~~`i feel happy when ever i play futsal except if its for training purpose such for a big competition...when ever play just for fun thn i could make my mood on the most favorable base line even if im hvg flu..still daring to play..plus playing with friends tht u used to play before..now most of us are spreading around in sabah..so so we have a reason to meet up for futsal..:)) 

all my tension gone away for sometimes. but still there is sumthg still crossing my mind sumwhere ..

we had an ice cream after futsal and went for dinner as well.auchhhhh we gain more calories indeed.. :))

i love my call

love call?it so much different ah kali from real call..phone call..urgent call but its on call..hahahah since workin im begin to hates when phone ringging..i hates answering sms..and yes i hate on call esp on weekend when i feel so lonely..bodoh kan!hahah but ths weekend my sweet friend was there till peak season begin.i feel bit relieve.thn continue my work alone and deal with non stop admission till 12pm..till Even my MO clerking one case..when there is a moment i'll tend to do my own plan for management and yes of coz must be appreciated so much :)
yet i was slept well last nite..thank god..and now i wanna sleep before going for futsal ths evening..kasut futsal tertinggal d labuan masih lah..terlupa pulak mau bawa sini before..well well well let me sleep now before my head become psychosis :)

tuesday

di tengah malam2 lagi terasa ada aura yg esok mcm tidak sehat..ahh aku bukan jenis yg mau p emergency dept..bukan urgent..so esok lets c..yes esok juga tidak larat ya..terlalu besar stenosis d otak ne rasanya..hates ths..sure esok masuk kerja dengan hati yg membara2 kalau masih mcm ne..bed rest lah aku.dengan hrpn ndak lah EL aku ne d tolak dari cuti ..pls2..kalau esok jumpa patient2 yg bikin panas confrm bertambah lah sakit otak aku ne!mau muntah bile sudah ne skrg..coz ate pun mcm ada bengkak2 and sakit2..uwah..ndak perlu U/S boleh rasa ne!! opss..well bed rest d rumah pun bikin gila~~aaarrghhh i want ice cream for today..who would be kind to buy me an ice cream?( :P)
ndak sangka end up ter miss juga p kerja kan..so mean im not tht schema..:)) can my day become more brighter soon.. :) mcm kena lampu stadium.. :))

monday

im kinda depressed today..unable to smooth my work as how it supposedly.myb coz i ifeel rushing to run there and ther.well its dosent matter...cz yet im survived.but wat made me sad today is my sling bag the white one rosak pulak..putus gara2 tersangkut sumwhere while running towards my patient..damn!!i get emo for awhile..i get stuck there...arrgghhhh!! i never fight with lab people but yes today!!they are too much!!hw dare they pending my patient result!so key point here ..bag sudah putus deh..d mana mau cari ganti oh d sini ne!!arrrhhhhggg..another big ?...

hari2 bila balik rumah susah betul mau kasi senang ate!!i knw life would treating me this way..for dont knw how long it could be..for some reason im happy to be at hosp..surround with friends and patient..to be bz..to get tired and yes thn can get emo sendiri2.hahahahha

well..... life arent tht bad.

can i survive?

im trying hard to be fine..to be strong.i hates when i have space and time for myself.at the same times i hates to work on weekend..but when im alone..my sorrow come back.too much free time to think and recall my past.how i miss lots things..hw much things tht happened beyond my control.hw much pain been tru..i tot i alrdy able to delete all of it and buried them wit year 2010.But i just cant.perhaps myb i wasnt even had time before to thnk abt year 2011.a lots things tht i am unsure abot in this life now..i begin to feel bored~~i begin to feel super bored with routine of my life now.i begin to miss winter.spring. and autum and i miss to wear boots.i begin ths life now by making more and more friends..till nw i still feel like dreaming..i cant accepeat the fact that im not heal yet.why dont just sedate me? let me sleep for sumtimes. if there is an option to transform to be sumone else.i would like to choose to do so ..

i love my job..( ???? )

i feel it

i feel sumthing wrong with me..i cant even think..i cant write..i cant express it out..im totally crack..btw my parents wedding anniversary just a round the corner..18th jan.but i cant make it to be around them nor to celebrate them..but im happy coz my brother will make it happen on behalf of me..i mean mcm kasi beli present.and ya perhaps arranging dinner .. :) yet im still thinking wat else to do :) i miss my mom~~uhuhuhuhu..cepat lah dtg sandakan..cook for me :P

im treasure my life

hari yg indah

bgn lambat..yet kerja sempat buat lah..again selalu tertidur dengan keadaan yg mcm bukan tidur..jadi tension okey!!again fail to read properly my NRP last nite..damn it!!matai na aku...ok bulan ne akan kurang berjoly2..kena straight my head now..bnyk nya kerja blm siap ..sitzz ehh..mula2 jak rajin thn pandai mls pulak..hidup semakin tension lah..dengan kedatangan specialist baru ne paeds menajadi haru biru sikit..tp biarlah..apa pun jd lah ..

hari ne hari raji rafhana ..wah 1 thn sudah dia..baby yg sgt comel..survival so far.tak mau cerita bnyk..hari ne lah juga dia balik rumah after few months admitted..sgt2 happy nak celebrate dia..so ain and i plan the birthday surprise for her..simple jak beli cake ..yg susahnya mau mengumpul budak2 ho lain and Mo..well yet managed to do so..even simple and short coz ada CME lagi kah hari ne.i can see how happy and shinning her face today..wah happy betul tu..my other MO bough toys for her..ala2..lagi lah happy dia .:) im happy too!!opss ndak lupa we celebrating belated birthday Dr kwan juga..yes she getting younger year by year :) 

conclusion im happy..even i knw i still got few pending work  at Thalessemia center..gosh!! Bos Mo..pls my head pusing2 sudah trace result :P

im happy with my simple life :)