nervous..

i feel so freak out now..at the same time so happy..but im so scared if things goes wrong..i start feel so panic if i just cant make it..so worried if i dunt hv time..yet i cant wait anymore..omg i cant believe all this cross in my mind for god sake..hahahah wt is all about?let wait and see..

Demi masa..

tajuk entry yg sukar utk d stop2 atau d laju kan juga..terlalu bnyk yg berkaitan dengan masa ug sukar utk d katakan.terasa masa berlalu dengan pantas sekali..emm 400km/hr mcm kelajuan mas wing dari kk-sandkn :) or event cant catch at all how fast time fly and goes.so rasa nya masa sudah memanggil2..and baru di sedari bahawa bila kita tidak mencari and tidak menjangka langsung ia dtg mcm mimpi and ia d rancang seolah2 sudah yakin..walau apa pun saya yakin akan ketentuan ini..biar lah kita berubah utk menjadi yg lagi baik.insyallh..doakan lah segala yg terbaik utk saya and kamu semua.

p/s : terharu hari ne dpt jemputan kad kawin my best groupmate bck in russia ..tidak d sangka2...hard copy..and its so touching..congratz in advance and happy for u my dear friend razis :)

what is this?

i tot i was so strong enough and was tooooooo toooooo into myself and yes2 just myself.now it changed and totally changed.it feel good but at the same time feel so scared.but this time im so sure wt it..throw away all the fear before..but yet the distance still the issue..aiseh nothing can be easy i guess..i hope i can bare with it and be ok all the time : ) insyallh..

lets be happy everyone :)

on the air..

nothing much to upadate..been bz recently since last 16th sept after attending medical camp at kg mentawago, kinabatangan..last sunday went to sukau,kinabatangan for sunday escape with my friends in crime..not much words can be describe but im just soooooooo happpy :)

night river cruise -kinabatangan river

shift system begin

i just officially bck to work last night,begin my duty with night duty ( 10pm till 12pm next day )..its begin with super good impression for myself as i had grade 4 bedsore..alhamdullilah.well its sound shitz on the next day morning for morning round as i begin to stuck rEADing case notes..well there is pro and cons for shift system as we wont be able to follow up patient condition. we will get assigned to diff ward and diff cubicle probably.so will c different patient during ech shift. how can posibally i'll be able to read all case notes ech time attending " new patient".best part as my department implementing 3 shift compare to other dept tht will only implementing 2 shift ( 6am till 4pm and 3pm till 12pm next day ) it sound suckss..it dosent much different to normal working hours.
best part is when i can roamming around after nite shift..for instant example..i had bunch of time just to roaming around looking for tv which end up bought a new hd tv..well im satisfied with it..yeah can enjoy more at home~~

post raya cuti

cuti raya aprox around 10days seems not enough and too short.not enough to heal few scar and to calm wt ever yg ribut.well at least i can felt ths raya so meaningful as my family gathered peacefully and few thgs tht cnt even b explained by words.
currently im stranded at kkia as my flight bck to sndkn delayed about 1hour 15 mint frm actual schedual.
hati ne memang berat utk balik,terlalu bnyk benda yg tidak pandai2 selesai.kekadang terasa tdk tertanggung.terasa benar berat nya setiap saat itu.terlalu bnyk anasir dan khurafat d luar sana itu.ya allah berikan lah aku ketenangan dlm kesusahan ini.perkenankan lah doa hamba mu ini.
sakit yg tidk dpt d gambarkan ini kekadang menjdkan aku memilih utk berdiam kerna tidak tertahan rasanya.
aku masih bersyukur memiliki seorang wanita bernama ibu yg masih ada d sisi dan memahami kesukaran idup ini.
mahu atau tidak,aku masih percaya i'll get bck my life.im not scared to b ths way and to remain ths way..amin.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

bantu lah

membantulah insan2 yg memerlukan..kerana tangan yg memberi itu lagi baik yg memberi.tapi jangan lah hanya memberi dan membantu d bulan ramdhan ne..contohnya banyak yg mengambil kesempatan menjamu atau memberi bantuan kepada anak2 yatim dan anak miskin d bulan puasa..berebut2 nak bagi derma sana sini..entah2 budak2 yg menerima pun dok jenguh p kenduri or function sana sini..murah rezeki itu bagus..tapi lagi bagus jika rezeki mereka juga sentiasa ada sepanjang tahun..sebagai contoh hari ne di rancangan bersama mu DI tv 3 ..bertapa suci nya pengorbanan mereka membesarkan anaka2 yatim dan miskin itu..hanya berteduh di suaru lama yg d ubah suai tapi masih uzur  di sana sini..mari lah bersama2 menghulurkan bantuan..tidak banyak sedikit pun juga memadai..memberi bukan pada nilai tapi pada keikhlasan. bantu lah mereka ini Rumah nur kasih taping.
banyak lagi rumah anak yatim sedemikian d malaysia ne..doakan lah mereka semua di rumah kan rezeki dan berjaya jadi manusia yg berguna.amin.

bagi yg belum mebayar zakat..jgn lupa..( well mine for sure paid by my dad lah kan..)
saya berdoa semoga kita semua di berkati..amin

jejak rasul di hati ku

what i can say is..i really2 fall in love with this Jejak rasul program..u might watch it at TV 3 Jejak rasul is a series  that bring us around the world to discover about Islam.History of Islam as well as latest Islam people around the world..we speak different language around this world but we share one language In Islam, Arab. 

for this year Russia the chosen one for Jejak Rasul..Subahanallah i feel so amaze, i feel so touch for it.how difficult it was for them to practice Islam yet they are so dedicated just for Allah S.W.T..make me wonder why its look so hard for us here in Malaysia to practice it purely while we are living in Muslim country.im not pointing it to anyone else out there as I my self still Jahil to be real Muslimah....Insyaalh ada lah Hidayah itu untuk saya ..Amin..i hope someday i'll be the one. 

monday yg bermula dgn masam

hati saya amat panas d pagi isnin..yes i m sure most of us dislike monday the most..but actuatlly i tried to like it..as i woke up kinda on time..event i dunt have much patient to review but i wanna ensure this apo very2 optimize condition before operation.this apo memang sudah tua lah..but deeply and silently there is kinda like " revenge" with this apo lah..firstly i was feel so "puas ate " bila family member apo ini setuju utk operation..so so so saya bersemangat utk dia stable utk operation..yeeehaaa...
tapi pagi2 dengan review nyer yg itu dan ini..masih boleh tahan..yg tak tahan bila2 tup2 dpt tau im the one supposed to enter operation theater while the other partner out of no way EL pulak!!WTF..so so my boss will be so pissed off thn..my hati confrm sudah panas and membara time tu..hell no..kepanasan ate  tula.nasib baik ada yg cover first case..maka selain dari pada mau apo itu stable saya juga tidak peduli apa pun yg akan jd lepas tu..coz apa2 pun saya juga yg incharge icu kan.well!!
kepanasan ate saya akan mendorong saya sama ada jd pendiam atau bising sana sini..well di ot i choose to b silent..wah rupa2nya perasan juga mereka yg lain bertapa saya masam saja..berabis lah org2 ot kan.. :)
ckp pasal apo itu...bila saya semangat tunggu case dia..time tu lah kan resut BUSE tak best sgt!!hell no!!! thn ok lagi..MO GA boleh bawa bincang2..mcm ok jer tu..yg tak best dah call apo ne buat hal pulak!!sitzz lah..
so bila saya naik ke ward saya mau family dia tau bahawa bawa pulang ur apo ne lagi bgs lah wei..
apo2...
kerja2..
mcm2 kerenah!!!

errrrrr...

lambaian pelangi

di tgh hari ahad yg tak se indah mana ne pun,balik kerja duduk rumah layan tv.dari tv 3,astro ria,prima,oasis and etc2..terlayan juga tv astro prima kalau ndak sliap cerita "lambayan pelangi"..movie indonesia yg amat bermutu.yg amat tulus dlm menunjukkan keadaan sebenar segelintir penduduk miskin yg kebanyakan anak2 tercicir pendidikan....yg mana ada institusi pendidikan utk anak miskin..air mata juga free2 menitis.sayu nya lah kan hati ne..ckp pun tak guna,tengok dulu baru tau.tak tau lah bila mungkin boleh ulang dari awal movie ne..

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

hdok

hdok : hospital duchess of kent where i been posted as house officer for almost 10months now.as far i can remember it was begin with full of fear and stress.however im bless to be here with wonderful people around here.today we were talking about ho who end up quit as ho..not geeting transfer to other hosp but end the carrier for good.really for good??its not sumthing new to hear about,but yet i believe if its happening here it all about the ho itself.well its ok!!
its make me think more about myself.how if i'll really need a break..its all becoz of me myself.thinking of shift system with only 13 ho in my current dept...will i have courage to do so??bt hw abt my matter than??esshhh..life is gettin tougher as im gettin younger ..ahaakkzz

Mobile Blogging from here.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

plan

im sure everyone have their own plan and aim in this life..so do i..event though im not so sure either things that im planning for would be the best for me or it just not more than " angan2" .. aim to do mrcog which yet im failed to read or study ..funny!!damn lazy! planning to run away again either for futher study or myb at least for somtimes sumwhere to do other things or just cont my medical field as how it is..so that mean i need more hard cash for it..do there is anythg out there tht i can invest or do to earn more $$ for now??

too much things to do with little $$,litte energy..courage itself not enough for all those " angan2" . boleh tak saya jadi lebih bertuah??emmm yezza..here a moment when i wish timewould fly faster than anything...

suci kan lah hati ini dah permudahkan lah perjalanan ini

Deal @ nuffnag

clik click here DeaL...Some of u might looking for gorgeous kaftan..there is more2 deal u can get there..dont forget to click more on my nuffnang..

so how did u deal with ur day today?i hope everyone out there keep on smile and having wonderful day with wonderful people around.

nothing much to share today other than to confess that im counting days and looking forward for "raya " break..at the same time i keep on telling my self to be just fine and stay clam to tru this wild and un real life..

suka atau takdir

ada kah saya suka sesuatu yg sukar yg susah atau pub itu takdir yg memang sudah tertulis buat diri ini??
menyalahkab takdir kah? tidak juga.cuma kecewa kerana terasa sgt kesukaran perjalan hidup ne.berusaha tapi masa nya blm tiba.
saya berdoa semoga saya juga akan jd lagi tabah.saya rindukan mama saya yg sentiasa memahami kesukaran ini.saya juga berasa bertuah wlpn idup personal saya amat sukar utk d gambarkan!!bertuah kerana saya masih ada mama yg sygkan saya.saya ada pendengar yg baik.
saya redha seandainya saya memerlukn cuti rehat yg panjang..saya juga tahu masa ada lah segala2nya..
saya tidak suka tapi terpaksa akur.
semoga saya d berkati sentiasa.amin

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

khurafat

)

did u guys out there watched this movie " KHURAFAT" ??before this the only reason i wanted to watch this movie coz of shamsul..opss actually coz of my friend anwar who is shamsul's cousion..as he involved direct and indirectly for ths movie and this song..yet i missed to watch this movie at cinema!!oh no..y ahh?coz im in sandakan who did not show this movie..WTH ya..so sad..again i miss this movie even i was in kk by the time..end up i jst bough the original dvd..ok lah..well yes i can say i like the movie..its really show real life and things tht happening around us.at the same time im sure there must be more interesting part tht been cut..well its stil okey..and now im watching khurafat series brought by tv3..again i would say that i like it too :)

i alwz hope i could some day represent a real muslim..opss oleh itu jgn lupa tengok jejak rasul di tv 3 setaip hari 630pm..itu juga menyentuh hati saya...selama 6 thn saya d russia before ne tetapi tidak berkesempatan untuk bersama2 russian muslim..myb kerna lokasi saya bukan d area yg bnyk muslim..btw saya bangga dengan muslim d russia :)

semoga kita semua di berkati amin :)

kayangan

di tengah2 hari bulan puasa..sempat tengok astro ria...kira movie tajuk " kayangan" ..ada faizura berlakon and entah siap lah lagi yg lain2 tu..cerita ala2  org biasa and kerabat2 raja..emm partially mcm cerita karut..well boleh menyentuh hati sikit lah..wah2...tak sampai tahap emo..

emo secara diam ada lah perkara biasa lah juga..cuma org kata wah so strong lah u ..wah strong muscle kah?myb lah kan..muscle d jantung ne mcm sudah partially rosak gitu..if org kata saya tabah..org juga akan kata saya nampak cool and baik2 saja..ada juga yg akan tak percaya apa yg saya lalui...diri sendiri pun tak percaya okey..ada masa nya rasa sgt penat...ada masa mcm nak erase partially memory ne..

tak sabar rasa nya nak fast foward masa..saja2...tapi tak mau jd tua lah kan for sure..fast foward nak tau lah kan after this either i'll remain in medical field, able to go for futher study..where i'll be..wah berbungga nya hati...menghargai masa yg d lalui skrg...tapi lagi happy kalau saya tahu saya lagi berjaya dari hari..dan saya ah the best :) amin..amin..saya yakin hidup itu adil..

perasaan

bila perasaan mixed ..ia akan jd sgt tidak best..sama ada ini kerana hormon yg inbalance atau memang kerna hati yg ndak best.perasaan tension..perasaan seperti ingin swing tangan ne ke muka org yg berkenaan..perasaatn yg sgt sukar utk d gambarkan..menjadikan hari pagi ahad yg suram..jd mls utk berckp..jadikan aku rindu rumah..rindu my mom..dia lah insan yg memahami perasaan ini..terasa benar mau lari and lari dari routine hidup yg bosan ne..tp mahu jjadi apa kah aku?buat seketika ini menahan2 rasa tuk tidak jd manusia yg bodoh..utk tidak jd seperti most of the bitch out there..sukar memujuk diri sendiri..tertekan seperti emm seperti berada d bawah/ d atas paras tekanan bumi ( ???) sehingga tidak mampu utk berfikir apa sebenarnya yg di cari d hidup ini..kekayaan?kebahagiaan?kesederhanaan?kejayaan tahap dewa?mana satu??setiap inig membawa erti and perjalanan yg berbeza...kerna itu ndak mampu nya lah aku membuat perhitungan..benci nya lah!!utk org2 yg memprovoke perasaan yg ndak best ne im believe u will get pay cash by God asap..

11th ramadhan

 Kelebihan Solat Tarawih Malam Kesebelas

• Ia meninggal dunia di dalam keadaan bersih dari dosa seperti baru dilahirkan

if u commence tarawikh tonight on th 11h ramadhan insyaalh some day when u died you will be as just like a newborn baby :) am

dear friends as reminder for me myself and everyone out there, its an opportunity to take the advantages for ibadah during ths holy month :) still somtimes i m still acting so unfaithful when ever there is some annoying things happening to me..masyaalh...sometimes i still feel its seems like so unfair for me to go thru this kind of life..well well again muhasabah diri itu ada perlu..look out there, and try to compare how luxury and how lucky we are to be here in malaysia other than palastin and 3rd world country who are struggling for living. lets pray for them..doa for every muslim in ths world.amin..

so lets dunt be unfaithful person :)
on top of it pls2 pls clink on my nuffnag adv.thnx 

10th ramadhan

still having on and off stomach cramp.nasib apa lah d bulan2 puasa nei  lah pulak kan mcm ne..sahur for today just  a glass of water and few pieces of thamar.alhamdullilah.routine begin as usual ..drive to hospital and thinking of where to park..:( dislike it. well today i bought another jampi serapah tht i hope could erase my eye bag..CUCUMBER EYE PADS

lets give it a try and waste another $$..so another thing that im looking for is sumthing that can make me grow more matured and erased away all my tears..as well can show my path way..either i should remain here or i should as soon as possible go as far as i can either to do sumthing else or futher my study..im not scared to even start my life as below than ordinary level. :) 

my entry kinda mixed up few things as my emotion kinda mixed and still full with one word " WHY " .i wonder and i hope this holy month could make me more clam and find all the answers for ths life :) amin 

WHY

there is so many question if sentences begin with word WHY.coz those sentences will end with question mark " ?".so there is a task to fine an answer for it.pheeewww..why does it matter ??coz today it just an extraordinary usually after sahur .( after drank any hot drink) i'll choose to continue my dream, eventho usually i'll end up wake up due to stomach ache and yezza i'll feel its seems like i need to go toilet..but today its just so so severe..mcm diarrhea mcm juga mixed with " sengugut " sympt before getting period.which its very rare happen to me.decided not to go work as it could change my mood and as well so not comfortable..just msg my friend, while other msg for my Mo remain pending..aiseh tak tersend pulak.back to story..im so sad again my period pending ..not so bad yet lah still regular but why lah lari calculation ne?ayaaaa!!stress kah aku?rasa nya tak juga?sebab puasa kah?merepek pulak..opss ya myb coz my diet aka my timing for meal jer yg berubah kan..so again question arise.bgs juga if can fasting for the whole ramadhan month..but not with this pain..masyaalah..bnyk nya dugaan d bulan puasa ne kan ..i called up my HOD and told him im taking emergency leave..wah nasib tak d marah lah kan :) buat2 charming dulu :) :P another issue pulak..i found out my face so so so dull and my eye bag just gettin worse...so in few years time i'll even gettin worse than current condition..omg.omg..wat is the best thing to do ?? Should i just find other job tht wont require me become zombie??lets think of it .......

ramadhan al mubarak

eid mubarak to all muslim around the world.how great full we are to be able to celebrate this holy moth that insyallh could bring us more happiness and gratitude toward Allah S.W.T.Amin.
its been awhile kinda abundant my blog..:) bck to story..now im celebrating ramadhan in sandakan for the first time as HO.i tot its gonna be bored and killing my soul deeply..well im such lucky to b in orthopedic dept :)
there is a moment i feel so lonely breaking fast at home alone with my kitty orev..well i think the other ho doing the same too,at least went to bazar with other friends too.i love bazar ramadhan~~ :) just love it..
still able to commence solat terawikh here..thank GOD. :) otherwise nothing much different comparing to my previous ramadhan.. :) as my first year to celebrate raya after get title DR ( yukss ) and tarra i dunt feel excited about baju raya anymore.as no time to event measure my baju raya..hantar jak contoh.kata jahit d labuan kan. shopping  kain pun ala kadar..at least i still able to choose by myself.and yes able to belanja my mom baju raya and my other siblings.event tak semewah mana pun..if before ne my mom in advance or my love one will choose for me..now things changed.im survival..fully dependent ..hahah ya kah..bukan upah baju yg berjela2 itu d taja oleh mr M..hahah thank u my dad..of coz dia pun tau anak nya ne nama jak sudah kerja tetap juga ndak kecukupan setelah mati membyr kereta,road tax and damn insurance :)
i just cant wait for my cuti raya ..

holiday mode activated

yay i'll b on so called long  called long leave..just abt a week.not tht long actually.no big event in my mind yet.just fly bck to labuan.( yay bored) but i miss my room.i miss my mom and everyone there..but deeply i dislike sumthing.but lets take it easy..and easy..take a deep breath and just tru it..who know there is sumthg good awaiting for me ya. :P 

im blessed for able to complete my posting in O&G dept...opss not yet, tomorw gonna be my finale called..takes it wat ever it is gonna be.EOD called for my finale day aint tht bad.with all annoying admission..

feel dislike to go home and feel dislike to b bck to sandakan as well ..i just like to do nothing..:P

am i been forgotten??

since few years ago till now sgt lah jarang2 dpt menghadiri majlis2 besar kwn2 sekolah..kwn rapat..terkilan lah kan.i just hope they wont forgetting me..nada2 emo sikit..dari jauh jak lah merasa happy for them..hardly to hear their experience and feeling before and after get married.im wonder wt do they feel when decided to get married..hehhehe coz for me now to start on dating pun big issue..hahahaha ..
well as long as people around me happy its more than enough for me :)

alwz pray for better day tomorrow and on wards :)

terhenti d sini

Terhenti di sini

opss intro untuk hari ini ada lah lagu d atas itu.lma sudah ndak layan lagu2 melayu apa tah lagi siri2 melayu..antara siri yg buat sendiri kagum ada lah nur kasih yg sekarang d tayangkan as movie but yet beluma show d sandakan..aisehh
sgt suka lagu ne dari siri tv 3 " asmara 2"..itu juga antara rality hidup kan..ok mukadimah habis d sini

sudah sentengah tahun 2011 berlalu..im still remain the same..kerja as kuli batak hosp.masih lagi keliru perjalanan idup..masih lagi stuck d satu point yg amat menyeksa jiwa..jika ada pilihan pun semua itu hanya mcm sesuatu yg tidak pasti or better to say those thgs just made me scared and phobia..too much of past things tht unable to forget and even i my self unsure how to cure those shitz..
i choose to remain the same..i m almost succeed in my own life and dream..so a lil bit of scar deply sumwhere inside still acceptable i guess? wow am i sound like trying hard to convincing myself?poor me!! :P

well be happy no matter how hard it is..

nippon spree around??

wow nippon looking around to find lucky blogger for make over??wow exciting...hope i'll find rite time to write and to upload pic..6 months ago just rite after graduated and stay at home for good for about 3 months just drove me to make over my own room which i never really border before..that moment i just can believe that i decided to paint my own room..and yes i did that..i still remember how funny it was when i was about to purchase the paint color..hahhaha super2 cool..i almost bought  10liter paint which i think can use to paint 1/3 of my whole house??which basically i just need around 2 liter or even lesser than tht..how easy it was painting my own room..my dad even tough i just make such a joke to paint my own room.hahhaha
check out my old entry i did uploaded few pic after make over :)
well now im in sandakan and sleeping in such bored room again..

well cross my finger tht i can join for this nippon competition..anyone interested too?? lets check it out jst click on my nuffnang ..CLIK2..

my head

too much things in my head..all are mixing like a mix fruits juice..hahahahhahha.what do i want in this life?perfect life with dull background? happy life but just moderate life style?aisehh...btw im happy with my simple life that im having now..even though sumtimes i get feed up with my routine work dealing with people who sumtimes drive my crazy..every morning aim to finish my round in 1 hour for average patient 5-8 patients..on weekend once covering postnatal yay whole ward is mine..for instant tomorw i'll covering postnatal on weekend..wth..
every moments i just wish to remain calm and smile ~~

im back

wow..after so long never updated my blog..where were I? too bz with work!!choose to sleep other thn surfing..choose to go out eat and lepaking rather thn surfing..wow..sound nurdy2?..basically it was nice escape..tup tap tup tap without realizing it..its already 6 months im here in sandakan and working as HO.life so different since than..but deeply im still stuck and pray to God to creat better life for me in future.
everyday i hope for a better things in future.my head still messed up with lots of things but i dunt have time to sort it out.life could be so confusing and so so uncertain ..damn!!!
arrrghhhh can in run away???? :P

cold hearted kah aku?

kenapa kah begitu??perasaan simpati bila lihat pesakit jadi no 2.yg pertama heran..heram mcm mana lah mama nya ne menjaga anak doh!! sakit ate jadi nya..sakit ate bila penat2 habis air liur ne mengajar!! tolong lah mama aku ndak ada anak pun..aku ndak akan lah sampai hati mau kasi biar anak kamu org itu menagis...biarkan kamu balik bila treatment blm habis lagi!!anduh tolong lah!!gila.perangai betul!!sampai satu tahap mcm mau tampar2 mama tu..kasi dia sedar sikit!!sedar yg aku ne manjada anak ko!bukan anak aku sot!!!ckp baik2 ndak faham..ckp nada vol 2 pun ndak faham..lama2 pakai sindir2 jak lah kan..baru org malaysia ne faham..termasuk org2 pilak2 lah kan..stress bodoh!!nasib baik lah almost the end dealing with weired parents d muka bumi ne!!eeeeeeeergg!!

my work made me trun super cold hearted!!sampai kan tahap utk memikirkan diri sendiri pun jatuh ke ..opss still no 1 cuma bab2 personal matter tu sudah buang jauh2 utk sementara..wat im looking forward is..cuti..yes2 cuti..balik labuan via kk...jumpa siblings dulu d kk..esok my bro sampai sandakan..temankan dirve sandkan-kk.auchhh.ndak tau sama ada gembira..or tidak lah kan..main target balik labuan..jumpa kwn..ambik kereta..rehat..manja2 d rumah~~wah..and meghiburkan ate.mencari ketenangan sementara.isnyallh selama nya..

mencari erti kehidupan..

aku bangga dengan diri sendiri walaupun idup ini tidak se sempurna mana pun..

penipuan

penipuan boleh ter jadi..kepada diri sendiri atau pun kepada org lain juga .hahaha..maka fikir2kan lah ya..jika kamu menipu hari ne ..tidak mustahil esok org tipu kamu fresh2..idup2 gitu..bagai mana pulak yg tipu diri sendir??pikir2 kan lah.sekian lama ini telah menipu diri..tapi jika ia dalah satu2nya pilihan yg ada..bagaimana..esp jika dlm keadaan kebingungan..org berkata teruskan idup ini selagi nyawa d kandung badan dan lupa kan cerita lama jika ia menyakitkan..maka utk melupakan hanya lah dengan menipu diri sehari2..bagaimanakah?jika hari2 terpkasa berkata sendiri..semua ini biasa2 saja..melarikan perhatian kepada benda lain .yg kekadang tidak pasti apa pun.sukar mengambarkan erti kebahagian diri sendiri..selain apa yg terasa kini hanya kasi yg abadi yg tidak pernah luntur pun walau bagai mana jahat,buruk atau teruk mana pun diri ne dari insan yg bergelar ibu dan bapa..kekadang tersedu memikirkan perjalan idup sebegini rupa.bersyukur pada tuhan kerna sekurang2nya cita2 tercapai walaupun sentiasa di beri dugaan yg kekadang tak termampu untuk d lalui..tidak mudah mencari pengertian hidup..tumpang gembira kepada sesiapa yg berjaya mengerti diri sendiri..pengertian idup dan menemui kebahagain itu.sepandai mana pun..sekaya mana pun tidak semestinya kebahagian bisa d ketemui dengan mudah.

kekadang terasa give up for some part in this life..well..i let it go with the flow dan melihat sendiri apa akan terjadi :)

world - nothing is real

amin ya rabbil alamin..

terlalu banyak dugaan kebelakangan ini..bencana alam ..bekalan air yg terputus d my house area sdh dlm 9hari..sudah pernahp dlm  48jam tidur d hosp..hari2 mandi d hosp..p hops awal2 pagi utk mandi..wah sudah biasa.tp dlm ate tuhan saja yg tau.angkat air ke tingkat 4 cukup rasa mcm mau pengsan sudah.
dengan soul yg ndak terkawal..wah idup tidak indah mana.
dengan menerima tetamu Ho baru dan makcik dengan keadaan darurat mcm ne..sungguh tidak selesa kan..cian tetamu..namum terima ini semua dengan redha..mungkin ada hikmah ya..amin..moga2 doa anuty ne berkat..amin..jauhi lah hati ini dari hasat dengki..jauhi lah ate ini dari perasaan yg tidak sepatutnya..dekati lah hati ini dengan apa yg sepatutnya..mampukah untuk bertahan..i need home..not house..i need my mom..i need to share things with her..my mom is a healer for me..i cant wait to be at home ..i'll b bck to labuan ths coming 20th feb.. :)

after somtimes

i realize so hard to move on..i feel so tired when ever i fail to do it..i tired of crying..i wanna be selfish..wait and c..i can do and i can ensure this world would treat me fair and better..for no matter wt reason and wat ever its takes.

life should be on my side mo matter what!

hujan

hujan saja d sandakan ne..sugguh make me restless.semlm on call dengan hujan dan guruh nya.nasib lah partner on call bgs2 saja..went out for dinner.mo dont care where i sleep..coz sesungguhnya saya takut lah mau tidur d nicu mo on call room.lagi2 hujan ne..saya mengalami " hujan phobia" apa tah lagi " thunder" dui nya..it can make me stay awake other thn zzz.gila.confrm aku gila if cuaca mcm ne jer memangjang.sampa thap banjir sudah ne sandakan.semlm bgn 4.30 utk standy peads call pun emm pas tu ndak dpt tidur berjln2 p tengok keadaan banjir hasil tijauan dari tingkat 6 peads...thn sambung tido jap..bgn jam 6.thn few mints later again get call for ot peads stand by.ok thnx ppl for calling me up..at least tido dari jam 11pm..emm and thank god no one required admission frm my hand ~ya ya..
td mau balik rumah pun susah..kena patah balik p alternative road..yg mana almost everywhr sudah jam nw..jln alternative tu pun mau retak2 sudah..andui nya sandkan..mcm mana bah ne..
hujan lah d tempat lain lagi..

begin to hates to be at home

i hates working hour..i hates to be on call..i hates everytime im at home after working..i just cant bare with all ths situation.kinda tired.tired i cant appreciate things..its so hurting when u are actually counting on urself to change things.i dunt want to have bipolar personality.i wanna be come like other ppl..who happy and having normal life.if i have and option to specifically to make tht person understand and feel wat im true even its gonna cost half of my life i would do it.
im so sorry to write ths such stupid boring entry but i jst cant hlp my self.this is the only way to express it out,as i knw nt much ppl reading my bloody blog.i m helpless ..so helpless so so so so helpless.im sick of it..if can cry 24h and let it go for ever...why all bad thgs alwz happen when im having big thgs to do..

bermimpi kah aku?

bila selalu sgt rasa dlm mimpi..bila selalu sgt rasa tidak pasti dlm idup..hampir 8jam sehari..menjadikan otak saya semakin kurang active.adakah degeneration akan berlaku?apa kah akan terjadi..hampir tidak tahu apa yg di inginkan ..semakin tidak kelihatan..confusion gone but more into blury vision..gampang ini! :) bila org ckp mencari kebahagian..kebahagian bagai mana kah?jika org ckp pasal demand..wah how lah mau demand if supply pun tiada..oh stock bukan lah mau hbs sudah..cuma mcm more into tidak ada selera lah org bilang..skrg rasa rasa manis2 masam lah..tidak tahu lah apa yg sebenarnya lagi penting dlm idup ne..aiseehh betul kata sesetengah org tu..sudah jadi semakin bodoh bila bnyk pulak pikir benda lain~~
semlam semasa on call juga lah perasaan takut udah ilang bila memikirkan bertapa bestnya tidur itu..lagi2 bila kita tak tahu apa akan jd 5 mints dari sekarang ..mungkin saja phone akan berbunyi..mungkin juga ada mcm2 akn jd!!aku benci pada mu hp~~ :)

tiada apa yg pasti selain dari pagi2 bngn p kerja ~~ uwekk!!

routine

my routine is really killing me~~i begin to wonder and counting days for my Houseman ship to end while in reality it just my first posting out of 6. i brain begin to dysfunction for working 7 days a week.not because of overloading in using my brain or neuron but more causes by hypoxic @ early waking up every morning and tension every time mate up with "international "patient with beyond of my language barrier or somtimes due to their advance fck history taking..oh i feed up!!stress begin when ever i think of CME. ayoo..begin to stress up when i know tht tomorrow i'll oncall and covering neonates.gosh..please give more strength for tomorrow. my headache and my urti is still there~~

i wonder and so jelous for those who working free lance or doing their own bussiness ..or who ever working but yet still able to settle their other things outside without have to feel stress or pressure when ever out from working  compound. i cant wait for my holiday ~~i need a long break..

futsal spree..

i love futsal~~`i feel happy when ever i play futsal except if its for training purpose such for a big competition...when ever play just for fun thn i could make my mood on the most favorable base line even if im hvg flu..still daring to play..plus playing with friends tht u used to play before..now most of us are spreading around in sabah..so so we have a reason to meet up for futsal..:)) 

all my tension gone away for sometimes. but still there is sumthg still crossing my mind sumwhere ..

we had an ice cream after futsal and went for dinner as well.auchhhhh we gain more calories indeed.. :))

i love my call

love call?it so much different ah kali from real call..phone call..urgent call but its on call..hahahah since workin im begin to hates when phone ringging..i hates answering sms..and yes i hate on call esp on weekend when i feel so lonely..bodoh kan!hahah but ths weekend my sweet friend was there till peak season begin.i feel bit relieve.thn continue my work alone and deal with non stop admission till 12pm..till Even my MO clerking one case..when there is a moment i'll tend to do my own plan for management and yes of coz must be appreciated so much :)
yet i was slept well last nite..thank god..and now i wanna sleep before going for futsal ths evening..kasut futsal tertinggal d labuan masih lah..terlupa pulak mau bawa sini before..well well well let me sleep now before my head become psychosis :)

tuesday

di tengah malam2 lagi terasa ada aura yg esok mcm tidak sehat..ahh aku bukan jenis yg mau p emergency dept..bukan urgent..so esok lets c..yes esok juga tidak larat ya..terlalu besar stenosis d otak ne rasanya..hates ths..sure esok masuk kerja dengan hati yg membara2 kalau masih mcm ne..bed rest lah aku.dengan hrpn ndak lah EL aku ne d tolak dari cuti ..pls2..kalau esok jumpa patient2 yg bikin panas confrm bertambah lah sakit otak aku ne!mau muntah bile sudah ne skrg..coz ate pun mcm ada bengkak2 and sakit2..uwah..ndak perlu U/S boleh rasa ne!! opss..well bed rest d rumah pun bikin gila~~aaarrghhh i want ice cream for today..who would be kind to buy me an ice cream?( :P)
ndak sangka end up ter miss juga p kerja kan..so mean im not tht schema..:)) can my day become more brighter soon.. :) mcm kena lampu stadium.. :))

monday

im kinda depressed today..unable to smooth my work as how it supposedly.myb coz i ifeel rushing to run there and ther.well its dosent matter...cz yet im survived.but wat made me sad today is my sling bag the white one rosak pulak..putus gara2 tersangkut sumwhere while running towards my patient..damn!!i get emo for awhile..i get stuck there...arrgghhhh!! i never fight with lab people but yes today!!they are too much!!hw dare they pending my patient result!so key point here ..bag sudah putus deh..d mana mau cari ganti oh d sini ne!!arrrhhhhggg..another big ?...

hari2 bila balik rumah susah betul mau kasi senang ate!!i knw life would treating me this way..for dont knw how long it could be..for some reason im happy to be at hosp..surround with friends and patient..to be bz..to get tired and yes thn can get emo sendiri2.hahahahha

well..... life arent tht bad.

can i survive?

im trying hard to be fine..to be strong.i hates when i have space and time for myself.at the same times i hates to work on weekend..but when im alone..my sorrow come back.too much free time to think and recall my past.how i miss lots things..hw much things tht happened beyond my control.hw much pain been tru..i tot i alrdy able to delete all of it and buried them wit year 2010.But i just cant.perhaps myb i wasnt even had time before to thnk abt year 2011.a lots things tht i am unsure abot in this life now..i begin to feel bored~~i begin to feel super bored with routine of my life now.i begin to miss winter.spring. and autum and i miss to wear boots.i begin ths life now by making more and more friends..till nw i still feel like dreaming..i cant accepeat the fact that im not heal yet.why dont just sedate me? let me sleep for sumtimes. if there is an option to transform to be sumone else.i would like to choose to do so ..

i love my job..( ???? )

i feel it

i feel sumthing wrong with me..i cant even think..i cant write..i cant express it out..im totally crack..btw my parents wedding anniversary just a round the corner..18th jan.but i cant make it to be around them nor to celebrate them..but im happy coz my brother will make it happen on behalf of me..i mean mcm kasi beli present.and ya perhaps arranging dinner .. :) yet im still thinking wat else to do :) i miss my mom~~uhuhuhuhu..cepat lah dtg sandakan..cook for me :P

im treasure my life

hari yg indah

bgn lambat..yet kerja sempat buat lah..again selalu tertidur dengan keadaan yg mcm bukan tidur..jadi tension okey!!again fail to read properly my NRP last nite..damn it!!matai na aku...ok bulan ne akan kurang berjoly2..kena straight my head now..bnyk nya kerja blm siap ..sitzz ehh..mula2 jak rajin thn pandai mls pulak..hidup semakin tension lah..dengan kedatangan specialist baru ne paeds menajadi haru biru sikit..tp biarlah..apa pun jd lah ..

hari ne hari raji rafhana ..wah 1 thn sudah dia..baby yg sgt comel..survival so far.tak mau cerita bnyk..hari ne lah juga dia balik rumah after few months admitted..sgt2 happy nak celebrate dia..so ain and i plan the birthday surprise for her..simple jak beli cake ..yg susahnya mau mengumpul budak2 ho lain and Mo..well yet managed to do so..even simple and short coz ada CME lagi kah hari ne.i can see how happy and shinning her face today..wah happy betul tu..my other MO bough toys for her..ala2..lagi lah happy dia .:) im happy too!!opss ndak lupa we celebrating belated birthday Dr kwan juga..yes she getting younger year by year :) 

conclusion im happy..even i knw i still got few pending work  at Thalessemia center..gosh!! Bos Mo..pls my head pusing2 sudah trace result :P

im happy with my simple life :)